


Couldn't Save My Immortal Soul

by chelsorz07



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: How Do I Tag, I'm really sorry, M/M, My First AO3 Post, Please Don't Hate Me, but it wouldn't leave my brain, jesus belongs to us now, paul rovia deserves better, this was supposed to be a fix-it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 13:48:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17726384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chelsorz07/pseuds/chelsorz07
Summary: Daryl at Paul's funeral





	Couldn't Save My Immortal Soul

Hilltop is at a standstill.

It’s not that he doesn’t know how integral Paul was to the community – to all the communities. God, does he know. It’s just that he never once gave them the credit of appreciating him enough. Paul was _Jesus_ to them. A scout, a runner. Expendable. Not loved the way he deserved, and certainly not in the same way that now leaves a monumental hole in Daryl’s very being.

All the same, every member of this place he was always just a little too afraid to call home seems to be sporting the same look he’s sure is on his face. They’re shaken. They’re lost. Maybe even empty. He absently thinks that if Paul were here, he’d be surprised as well. Incredulous, even. That maybe if he’d seen those looks any of the other dozens of times _Jesus_ put his life on the line for his people, he would have taken a little more stock in his own importance. Not been as reckless.

It’s not even that Paul didn’t believe he was cared for. Or that he didn’t think himself worthy. He’d just always had a knack for keeping everyone at arm’s length, to avoid the jarring ache that would set in each time another was ripped away from him.

_Like you were ripped away from me_ , Daryl thinks.

So he takes a moment to acknowledge their sorrow. But he doesn’t dwell on it because the only thing he has energy for now – if you can call it energy – is his own selfish grief. And why shouldn’t he allow himself a little selfishness? The only thing Daryl’s ever known is pain and loss. Guilt and suffering. Just this once, he can let himself wallow.

This is what Daryl does under an overcast sky, standing beside a casket not unlike the one from which he’d seen another friend emerge several years before. But this feels nothing like losing Sasha. She was family, of course. Another in a long line where he’s sure he should have done more. But Paul wasn’t just family. He wasn’t _Jesus_. He was everything.

Daryl has no idea how long he stands by that grave. Long after it’s been lowered, of that he’s sure, because the dull gray of the casket has been replaced by a fresh mound of dirt. He had paid no mind to the other colonists’ tears, their compassionate words that would never be enough, or their retreating footsteps, putting yet another sacrifice behind them. This is the cost. They’re used to it by now. He’ll never be used to it.

The next time he becomes aware of the space around him, it’s at the sensation of being touched. Nobody has dared touch him since this day began. He’s glad for that, because every last frayed thread of Daryl’s resolve would have severed, casting him down into a whole new level of despair even he’s never known.

That’s exactly what happens when he finally looks up to see whose hand had the gall to slip into his, here beside the final resting place of a man he loved so much but could never truly call his own. Her eyes say everything he will never have the strength to articulate. Because she knows. The only other person who ever loved Paul as much as he, and the only one with whom he’ll allow this moment.

Daryl’s legs give out and Maggie Rhee, finally returned though under the worst possible circumstances, goes to the ground with him and they hold each other until he can’t tell whose sobs belong to her or himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Ayyyy I never finish fics because I can't write dialogue! Found a way around that. Hence, my first published work in any fandom ever. Written in fifteen minutes and very loosely edited. I'm sorry it also happens to be painful. 
> 
> Title is from the song "Nothing Left to Lose" by The Pretty Reckless. Yes it gives me major Desus feels and not just because the lyrics have "Jesus" in them. 
> 
> Pleasepleaseplease if anybody has any writing tips (or kudos possibly? because I'll shamelessly beg for them) I'd be eternally grateful! ♥


End file.
